What is fear?
Fear is something we dread even if it’s not tangible. Often we only have fear itself to shy away from. I sometimes find it hard to make a decision. Whether that is because I have insufficient information and or a lack of decision-making time. There are easy choices to make in life, of course. Those sorts of decisions I don’t have a problem with. It’s the costly ones that trouble me.
For instance, taking on a large building project on my home has given me no end of doubt. Will it be worth the upheaval, mess and also the huge (to us) sum of money involved? Jumbled in with that general anxiety is the fear that we’ll end up regretting some part of how we designed the extension. Where there are choices to be made in regards to fittings, it seems like an overwhelming array of options are available. Which supplier will give us what we want for the best price? Do we even know what we want? I kind of feel like I have general ideas about how I want things to look, whilst Mr Bunny can get very fixated on a specific bath-tub for instance.
Coming at this project from different perspectives, I can be pretty impulsive, whilst he is more laid-back in his approach. And we clash sometimes on what we think is a deal-breaker versus a ‘nice-to-have.’ At the same time we are juggling our daily lives of work (for him) and child care for me. I want my daughter to be happy whilst all the chaos is going on. So that means I need to give her a lot of my undivided attention.
And I kind of have a fear that whilst this is all going on, I’m kind of ‘rudderless.’ I am living life on a daily basis, doing what has to be done now without being able to make too many plans for the next 5-6 months.
All in all it’s a bit disconcerting, as I like to have plans and a direction. Another concern is that we get too bogged down in the minutiae of our build project and forget the bigger picture. It takes bricks and mortar to make a house, but for it to be a home it needs love, care and compassion. Hurtling around from one decision to the next leaves me feeling frazzled, and I’m more inclined to get irritable.
That’s something I don’t like, as I don’t want my feelings to be projected onto my nearest and dearest. So like we tell my daughter when she has a mini melt-down, ‘count to 10 sweetie,’ I am having to remind myself to reign in my emotions and try to be more calm rather than lash out in exasperation.
There are some people who talk too much, but then there are those who don’t say enough. And it’s easy to misread someone’s silence as ‘they don’t care.’ I get that Mr Bunny likes to relax after his day at work, and I sometimes fear I come across as too ‘needy.’ The way I see it though, is he has lots of opportunity to talk to people while he’s at work and bounce ideas off. Yesterday he came home and he wasn’t happy as he’d had a rubbish day at work. I let him go to his ‘cave’ in his mind.
But actually I would have liked to maybe have had a conversation with him. It seems like mostly what we talk about these days is what’s happened that day with building work, with a couple of samples thrown in for some flooring, or a bath tub then it’s back to him watching the box and me either going out to an exercise class or pottering about at home.
This post is turning out to be pretty rambly, and it’s essentially my inner monologue going on overdrive. My builder said this morning, he doesn’t think much to our ‘Roman Folly’ in jest. I’m trying to remain optimistic, that it will be ‘all right in the end.’ Another fear is, where will it end?
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