This is a post for Wicked Wednesday #358. It is inspired by Sassy Cat’s prompt of Mental health.
Content warning: I talk about my feelings of anxiety, symptoms of depression and my general state of mind in this post. Please skip if you feel it may be triggering for you.
Right now, I feel trance-like. Almost dazed and confused. I have had numerous nights filled with restless, fitful sleep. My mind alternates between a jumble of thoughts incoherently mashed together, then it goes blank as if trying to reboot.
Physically, my flight or fight response seems to be in full swing. My limbs feel taut, and my mouth dry even though I try to drink water and juice regularly. I notice my shoulders are hunched and my jaw sets in a clenched manner.
My brain tells me I must get my butt into gear and do something. Anything. I need to feel some sense of achievement, however small. Decision making is a slow and pain-staking process. What should I do first? How should I do it? I wish to make the best use of the time that seems to trickle away faster each passing hour.
I over-analyse the trivial and then the important things I seem to gloss over. My perspective seems all out of kilter. Inside I’m silently shouting at myself, ‘get a grip!’ On the outside, I feel somewhat withdrawn. To some, I may appear non-committal. I am in self-preservation mode. Whilst I feel overwhelmed, I am deliberately trying to not take any more on that I feel I will be unable to see through.
At home, I am trying to remain calm and light-hearted for my daughter’s sake. My husband knows I am feeling under strain. He too is feeling under pressure both at work and during our building work at home.
While my anxiety is elevated and my mood low, I try to focus on self-care. Some things I’ll do daily, such as staying hydrated, and eating proper regular meals. Getting out in the fresh air for walks, and showering. Taking time out to rest when I need to, and talking to friends and family about my concerns. I also listen to upbeat music. Sometimes I’ll masturbate, to relieve stress and help with the flow of endorphins.
On a weekly basis, I attend exercise classes to boost my mood and help with my fitness and core strength. Less regularly, when I have the means to, I treat myself to a massage or have my hair trimmed.
I find it important to maintain some sort of routine, so these ways that I care for myself help me keep that going. To benefit my mental health, I’d like to meditate and try to manage my stress more. Feeling out of control causes me anxiety, so I want to try and build my emotional resilience.
I hope the current lapse in my mental health does not last too long. I want to be back to my regular self and enjoy life again. With time, I will overcome the depression and anxiety once more.
Please click the badge below to check other bloggers’ posts for Wicked Wednesday.
The featured image is taken courtesy of Chloe Capture, from Flickr.com.