I am finding myself kind of stuck for words for this week’s Quote Quest. LSB has given us a snippet of a Lana Del Rey song;
“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”Lana Del Rey
In answer to the first question, who am I, right now I feel a bit like a supporting actor in the feature film that is my life. I felt like a lot of ingrained ideas were fed to me during my formative years. For instance, my parents often said they thought the best place for a woman to be was at home raising her children.
I made the decision pretty soon after having my daughter, that she would be my only child. As much as I love her, the experience of being a parent has been full-on. Because my husband is very laid-back, a lot of the time, I’ve felt like the main parent at instilling discipline and setting boundaries. Our daughter is pretty head-strong, so I do clash with her particularly as she is now fixated on a video game, and wants to play it constantly.
Not only that, but she also wants us to role-play as some of the characters, which to begin with was quite cute. Believe me, after several months of lock-down induced cabin fever, a period of home-schooling and the stress of wondering if I’d still have a job to go back to, my patience has evaporated. I no longer want to pretend to be a princess who has been captured by a spiky dinosaur, in need of saving by two Italian plumbers.
I almost feel breathless just reading that monologue back, but in essence, I kind of feel shackled right now. Far from free. Which makes me feel sad. I’m kind of dreading the summer holidays because my husband will mainly be working. I’ll be trying to keep my daughter entertained, whilst trying to retain my sanity, in this strange pandemic we’re all finding ourselves immersed in. I’m desperate to keep my family and myself safe, but I’m also yearning to live our lives. The day-to-day routine has become banal, like ground-hog day on repeat.
Add into the mix, a lack of desire for my husband and I’m left feeling pretty guilty and mixed up. Perhaps I’ve lost my sense of self. I really don’t know. What I do know is that I feel a weariness, and most days I wake up feeling as tired as I was when I went to bed. I’m finding myself irritable and cranky, which I think has been due to lots of unexplained aches and pains. I’m wondering if some of them are stemming from sitting at my computer, as they tend to mainly be in my shoulders, neck, forearms and wrists. But I do also get discomfort in my hips, knees and ankles. My eyes feel dry on a regular basis too, so I’m wondering if it is just computer related or if there’s something else going on.
Mostly, I’m trying to keep myself mobile and as pain-free as I can with my online exercise classes. I write in stints to fit around the school run and the domestic chores. Thirdly I attempt to keep on top of my large garden, and the crazy weeds that seem to flourish. As of next week, the writing may well tail off here on the blog. I’m trying to write more for external sites, so though it may look like I’m not being very active on here, I’m drafting a 3000-word story for one site and a shorter one for the Becky Embers blog. I wrote about their online competition The Beckies, earlier this year, in the spring.
As for my darkest fantasies, right now, they’re not all that dark. In all honesty, I just want to feel more sprightly and less resigned to a life of drudgery. A mini-break with some pampering would be especially amazing! To read other blogger’s thoughts for this week’s Quote Quest, please click here. See my entries for previous weeks by clicking this link.