Warning, this is a bit of a ramble, and it’s not a happy one. You may wish to skip it if you need cheering up!
It seems my summoning for rain has been answered. It is a wet day in Bunny Land. The sky is overcast and grey, the rain is misting down. My tears have flown today too. They were tears of frustration, fear and dejection. I normally present as a happy-go-lucky person on my blog. I like to think that I am relatively content on the whole.
What made me upset today is the realisation that when I speak my concerns with Mr Bunny over issues like our finances, he seems to have a counter-argument to negate what I say to him. He is certainly more optimistic than me, but he can afford to be. He’s in a reasonably well-paid job, whilst I’m in a minimal income part-time role, that frankly does not put our weekly food on the table. Let alone much else. The issue at hand today was his money-drain of a car. It likely needs a costly repair on top of its annual service and MOT. The quotation from our local garage was well over the £500 I’d ‘guestimated.’
Suffice to say, I was horrified. We need to put our other car through its MOT in the autumn too. On top of that, the not-insignificant cost of turning our house into the dream-home we both long for. It seems like all these things are coming at us, in a train of knock-downs. Yesterday’s revelation about our daughter’s surgery being as soon as this autumn also gave me a shock.
I wanted to feel like we could unite with each other and express our worries, and talk it out logically. We had company over last night, so no chance to talk then. Today, after I get off the phone with the garage, I am talking to Mr Bunny about the estimated cost. He thinks, “oh we can just pay it, and it’ll be fine. We’ll find the money.”
I plead with him to consider selling the car. We can make do with one car for now. He won’t hear of it. “You will be stuck at home 4-5 days a week,” he says. I counter that I already am as I don’t go out much. Because I don’t want to be spending money we need for other things. I may as well be talking to a wall. Although he sighs, and says that we’ll sit down and talk about our finances soon.
I wait with baited breath.
I apologise for going off on a big tangent. This post was supposed to update on the blog. Essentially there are no updates. I haven’t felt like writing much, and am still taking a break from reviewing. The affiliate links I use are also needing an update in some cases. It feels like a chore to sit and go through them all right now. Looking after my daughter and myself is as much as I feel like doing at present. My close companion ‘Anne Zierty’ (anxiety, personified) is on my shoulder like the ‘bad devil’ character you see in cartoons. She is telling me that we are in over our heads. Mocking and laughing at our naivety.
This post is coming from a dark place. I am hoping that I will feel lighter tomorrow. I certainly don’t feel like I could get much heavier, though of course there is the potential that actually, I could feel so much worse than I do right now. Please do not remind me that other people have much more dire situations than what I am in. That will only make me feel more guilty for feeling the way I do. I know there are people far worse off than myself. The logical side of my brain is closing down temporarily. Once the black fog lifts, I will see more clearly.
At this moment in time, I’m considering whether I ought to increase my medication. But I’m not sure I want to. It will be a temporary crutch to lean on. I need to talk about my problems and resolve them. That will be more therapeutic in the long run. My first solution, in my mind, is to get rid of the car. It is not worth the expense. Not to mention the stress. It’s only a box on wheels. I know that, even in my less-than-logical frame of mind. I need to convince Mr Bunny. That is the hard task I face. He is quick to remind me that it was me who persuaded him to buy the car in the first place. Had I known then, what I know now, I would not have done so. Hindsight is a funny thing.
It is time to talk some tough love with him. There’s no other way.