As we enter a New Year, some of us are embarking on fresh beginnings in our relationships. Maybe you’ve met someone and you’re taking the next step, exploring each others bodies for the first time. That’s great and sure to be full of excitement, akin to opening up your Christmas presents! Just be careful not to forget to engage your brain when you start talking dirty. Otherwise you may utter something that’ll make your partner want to shove a bar of soap in your mouth!
Thou shalt not say these phrases…
1. “My previous partner would do this, and it drove me wild!” Ok, if it drove you so wild, why are they now your ex?
2. “You’re so tight, I guess you’ve not fucked many people before me?” Or, “How come you feel loose down there? Have you been stretched? That’s so naughty!” Your lover’s previous sexual history is irrelevant. Please don’t bring it up, or make them feel insecure about their inexperience, or broader repertoire. Similarly, do not make someone with a penis feel like they are inadequate or a freak if they have a larger-than-you’ve-previously-encountered cock!
3. “You’d be so hot if you lost a few pounds / removed your pubic hair /etc” Do not ever body shame your partner! Fastest way to get yourself kicked out of bed! Oh and did I say, you’d look hot if you removed that dick from your head?!
4. “You’re on the pill, right?” Wtf, dude? Why are you waiting until you’re balls-deep to discuss contraception?
5. “Sex would be so much more satisfying if we could skip all that foreplay stuff!” Uh, no! It really wouldn’t!”
6. “Want some more lubricant? You’re starting to feel a bit dry…” Don’t make your partner out to be the problem! And that is so not going to help her libido!
7. “How do you feel about your friend (insert name here) joining us next time? That’d be so hot!” Ok, we all have fantasies and I wouldn’t mind inviting your friend to join us, but during sex is not the time to bring this up!
8. “Have you cum yet? My tongue is starting to feel tired.” If you even have to ask this question, then I highly doubt your partner has had an orgasm. And don’t expect us to fake it either just to make you feel good about your sexual prowess. We will orgasm when we are ready and because we feel satisfied. Not to boost any egos!
9. “You didn’t really seem to enjoy that. You kind of just lay there.” Don’t make assumptions about what your partner does or does not like. They will tell you. Maybe they feel performance anxiety or don’t want to appear ‘slutty.’ Society has a lot to answer for, and women are often made to feel like they are there to give men sex, and not necessarily take pleasure for themselves.
10. “Can we do anal next time?” Seriously, broach the subject like that and I think your partner may either hurl, or want to hurl something at your head.
Consider yourselves enlightened, and remember, engage your brain (as well as theirs) to make sex even more fun!
Featured image is by Ian Dick, courtesy of Flickr.